Let’s get right to it, I’ve been in a dark hole disguising myself like everything has been ok.last 2 month cycle was one of the hardest i’ve been through which makes me feel my last will be like fighting tooth and nail. I have had my moments where I miss my friend Melanie, knowing she would’ve been pushing me her hardest but yesterday during treatment I closed my eyes and I saw arms wrapping around wrapping around me and some will say it was an illusion, an effect of chemo but I truly think she was telling me to be strong but i’ve got this. I was just talking to Mama P about her on mothers day and I started whaling, I miss her so much and I know she tried her damndest to beat cancer but #cancersucks. I often get this feeling of guilt, why was I lucky to have a treatment that work up to 90% with a low chance of relapse when there are patients with other cancers that suffer through treatment and battle for years and dont beat it but I will touch more of this and other topics I’d like to talk about in a different post. I have been trying to dig myself out of this dark place I’ve been in where all I do I blank the world out as if nothing is happening. I have been more active which has caused my ankles to go haywire and my plantar fasciitis to act up. Because of this dark hole I stop doing my pt exercises and need to start it back up so my ankles dont give out on me and have to wear ankle braces again. I’m working on me and doing my best to stay more positive, yesterday was just a nightmare of a day. My nurse had to rush to ICU and I got stuck with someone that already makes me anxious and then she missed and the saline hurt and her response was “still” after the needle insert hurt to. I asked her to check if there was blood return, there wasn’t, she missed and anxiety kicked in 10 fold. She went to find another nurse when .y nurse walks in still in panic mode from taking her last patient to ICU and said to just take it easy while she gets supplies ready, I was told I had to control my anxiety. I wiped out when I got home, it all just took it out of me, 2 more months! I am so lucky to have my mom on my side that still looks at me like she did when I was a baby. I know it’s ok to be afraid as long as I keep moving forward, i’m facing the fear. These past 8 months and year have been one of the hardest year of my life, I was pushing my limits not knowing I had cancer, I got on rollercoasters when those movements could’ve made me bleed to death internally. I was able to go on a road trip to Canada for my best friends Bachelorette weekend and definitely pushed my limits not knowing I had leukemia, I just knew i tired quickly & couldnt hang like the other ladies. I missed my best friends big day which still hurts my heart and soul. All I wanted to do was get back getting laid off from my favorite job I’ve ever had, all I wanted was normalcy but my body was falling apart and I still dont even know when i’ll be able to look for a job when I cannot stand for super long periods of time. I dont just have cancer, i battle multiple chronic Illnesses dont qualify for help so the rest of my life I may only be able to work part time, I hope that’s not the case. I’m a workaholic, high achiever by nature but there are days body doesn’t allow me to leave the house, let alone my bed some days. I know after chemo things will feel more normal, my normal. I have struggled with my normal for over a decade, let me tell you, it’s not easy. But on that note I want to wish everyone well, i’m sending healing energy and good vibes to everyone, especially my chronically ill friends and @bec_mellett who I know has had the worst hospital stay going on to 3 months, you stay strong beautiful. I truly want to thank everyone that has reached out even just to say hello and help me through some tough days. To my best friends that get me out of the house as often as they can and helping me keep my head on straight when I feel like i’m astroprojecting. I wont day this has been a breeze because it truly hasn’t been, it just so hard to put in to words so I dont often post. Sometimes I want to post my good days but when family and friends get confused and think I look so healthy and that I look great when even though it’s a good day I still feel like i’m falling apart and definitely dont feel healthy. So I skip posting all together to avoid feel misunderstood.And yes I know that no one means it as an insult when they tell me I look healthy and it also shouldn’t stop from posting but I know there are many of us out there that understand where i’m coming from. To be told.. well just take it as a compliment, who doesn’t like compliments but please put yourself in the shoes of someone that has been sick and will always be sick no matter what I conquer, I would rather be called a warrior then healthy and yes it’s good I look healthy and yes I definitely have a glow and some days I don’t. I completely get it but please be kind, I’m mentally and emotionally distraught and i’m working on accepting myself as well as accepting and understanding others. My world got flipped and turned upside down, my physical state has changed, I dont recognize myself in the mirror, my face is puffer and rounded than it was before I started treated. I lost myself again for the millionth time and i’m trying to find myself and love myself for who I am now and accept that I may have health complications in the years to come from undergoing #Chemotherapy.
Where The Ducky Crumbles 